So people say women have a memory of an elephant!

Rupa tapak kaki awak pun saya masih ingat.

It's by default, not by choice.

Please know this.

Is it really better to love and lost than to never have loved at all?

I don't think so, bec what you don't know won't hurt you. There will always be a hole in my heart. The edges my smooth out a bit with time, but it will always be there.

Ma called asking me whether I have paid my zakat fitrah. Said Abah forgot and paid only for Adik. This happened every year since you left. I don't know whether he geniuinely forgot or he was just embarrased to let the Tok Iman know that I am divorced.

Each time it hurt so bad.

So, FUCK YOU for putting me in this position. FUCK YOU for making me feel this way every year. FUCK YOU for making me miss your family so much. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!!!!!

That laughter

I did to him what I did to you the other morning - I poked his shoulder from his back and announced "Can I have some attention please.."

And he did to me what you did to me - he slipped one hand to the back and he tapped my hand slowly, and said, "there, your attention", and then he laughed.

I could swear that, for a brief moment, I heard your laughter amidst his laughter. And lied still holding back tears.

How do I get rid of the memory of you?

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The night before he asked me whether I love him. I said I don't know.


Photo borrowed from here.

It's just a memory, that's all.

Long-term memory is that part of our "memory storage system that has unlimited capacity to retain information over an extended time".

Not much is known about the physiology of long-term memory, although scientists speculate that the hippocampus is involved in the creation of long-term memory. It is unclear where long-term memories are stored, although there is some evidence that a single memory may be broken down into various elements and stored in many places at once.

As Irving Kupferman explains, "long-term memories are stored in multiple regions throughout the nervous system. (In other words, they are not localized but stored through circuitry)".

Perhaps the most fascinating questions about memory have to do with the connection between human consciousness and memory.

Psychologist Michael Dawson notes that what makes memories feel so real is that "real-time experience is just as indirect" as remembered experience. In other words, the neurobiological process of recollecting an experience is in some ways identical to the process of experiencing it in the first place!

Now how do I get rid of the blardy hippocampus???

[Photo credit]

Dream

Had a dream about you again the other day. A nice dream. We had a short conversation about I can't recall what. And I left you saying something like "but it's too late, you hurt me already".

I miss you I guess. I miss loving you.

When the feeling was real, this is inevitable I suppose. I look forward to thinking about you less and less as time goes by.

You know what I miss most right now? Your warm palm on my back when we walked and when I hugged you in bed. Have I ever told you it was very soothing? That warm palm of yours? I guess I did. And you won't be able to recall as usual.

Apa-apa lah sayang. The boat has left us. And it is for the better.

Nak tidur lah. Tomorrow is another day of less memory of you. I hope.

Lump in my throat

I woke up with a huge lump in my throat. And I am feeling like shit.

It reminds me of those time when I was crying myself to sleep. Same lump. Same feeling.

But I did not cry last night. I can't recall when was the last time I cried myself to sleep like that. The whining, non-stop sobbing, shoulder shaking cry that caused hiccups, and a lump in the throat the next morning. I don't think I am capable of that anymore.

Maybe I did. In my sleep. And I just didn't know it.

This day exactly one year ago

On this day exactly one year ago, I lost a beloved man I called husband. I remember he had tears in his eyes after we got out of court that day. That day, I thought he cried for us. Today, I think he cried for himself.

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He kissed her forehead and said, "It's gonna be alright sayang, it's gonna be alright".

She could not say anything in reply. So she quietly rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes.

"All I need is this, a place to rest my head." She sighed.

"I am sorry dear, my heart is not with you. But you're so cute, and funny, and freaking smart, and huggable, and you make me feel needed.." And she hugged him tightly.

"Are you happy, sayang?" She tried to push away the memory.

"Why are YOU doing this to me? Stop it! I need to let YOU go." She dug her face into his chest and cried. She felt his warm strong arms around her and for that brief moment, she felt better.

She was a biatch that night.