Lump in my throat

I woke up with a huge lump in my throat. And I am feeling like shit.

It reminds me of those time when I was crying myself to sleep. Same lump. Same feeling.

But I did not cry last night. I can't recall when was the last time I cried myself to sleep like that. The whining, non-stop sobbing, shoulder shaking cry that caused hiccups, and a lump in the throat the next morning. I don't think I am capable of that anymore.

Maybe I did. In my sleep. And I just didn't know it.

This day exactly one year ago

On this day exactly one year ago, I lost a beloved man I called husband. I remember he had tears in his eyes after we got out of court that day. That day, I thought he cried for us. Today, I think he cried for himself.

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He kissed her forehead and said, "It's gonna be alright sayang, it's gonna be alright".

She could not say anything in reply. So she quietly rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes.

"All I need is this, a place to rest my head." She sighed.

"I am sorry dear, my heart is not with you. But you're so cute, and funny, and freaking smart, and huggable, and you make me feel needed.." And she hugged him tightly.

"Are you happy, sayang?" She tried to push away the memory.

"Why are YOU doing this to me? Stop it! I need to let YOU go." She dug her face into his chest and cried. She felt his warm strong arms around her and for that brief moment, she felt better.

She was a biatch that night.

Are you happy, sayang?

I went to Hairil's wedding the other day. My first Malay wedding really, after you left. And I had to hold back tears when I saw Hairil kissed his wife's forehead after the akad. You did that to me, remember? And it felt so good. And real. It felt like forever. What happened, sayang?

And I had a dream about you on Saturday night. I was in Bangkok. I can't recall what it was about, but it was about you. I remember a bit though. I rested my head on your chest and I could smell the fabric softener from your t-shirt. It was a grey t-shirt. It felt very familiar. What happened, sayang?

Farris added a few photos of you into his Facebook. There is this one photo of you and Muzam that caught my eyes. You and friends and your usual antics. Looking at it, I just had to smile. And I felt as if I betrayed my wounded heart. It is, apparently, still wounded and bleeding. What happened, sayang?

My subconscious is counting days to the anniversary. Our anniversary. Our divorce anniversary. It will be a year soon. So fast. So sad. Are you happy, sayang?

Him

Her forlorn eyes looked at at him and said, "I can still smell him".

Tears ran down her eyes again that day.