Farris asked me when is your birthday, if I still remember. And I told him the truth, that I'll never forget it, not in this lifetime, and probably not in the next one too..

And he said: from your statement is it fair for me to deduce that you are still in love with my friend ?

And I said: what does it matter now? all is over. i'm looking forward to the next guy in my life :-)

And I am now sad. All is over. All is over. All is over.

Yes sayang, all IS over.

For YOU :-)

It's my birthday :-D

Read this last night, and I'm dedicating it to you:

pertemuan berlaku
di penjuru matamu
yang ungu
lalu membiru

pertemuan berlalu
di penjuru dadaku
yang sayu
lalu terharu

(Written by T Alias Taib, Terengganu, 1974)

*******************

Wrote this last night, and I'm dedicating to YOU :-)

sekeping cd
satu kebetulan
bila ku sapa
kau senyum riang

sekeping cd
satu perjalanan
lalu kau dengar
berulang-ulang

sekeping cd
dua hati
akan ada cinta
bertemu nanti

sekeping cd
dua rasa
akan bercumbu ria
bila tiba masanya

:-)

(Written by me!)

Kenapa ntah..

Sakit kepala la hari ni, sayang. Oh, kena hujan tadi, masa I lari pegi meeting kat Bar Council.

I tengah confused ni, nak beli rumah ke nak beli kereta. One short term, one long term. Minyak mahal pulak tu. But I need a car, now that you're not around. Hehe.. it is not as if you chauffeured me everywhere pun, the last time. But it helped, bila nak beli beras, especially. Kekeke...

Alamak... hidung pun dah berair.

I ingat dulu you selalu insist I tunggu under the shade and you would run under the rain to get the car. And you said..."Kalau I takde, macam mana la you ni, tak boleh kena hujan." Well, now you takde, and today I kena hujan.

Macam mana?

Sakit kepala, selsema sikit. Esok baik lah kot.

Yang belum baik, hati.

Truth is..

I am 100% confident that you will not visit this blog ever again. Therefore, you are not reading this pathetic crap. Nope, you are not reading this blog.

Even if you are, how sure are you it is you that I am writing to? Not that other guy? Or another guy altogether? Or that they keep changing everyday? Huh! Hehe..

Sayang, I want baby

Maternal instinct I guess. I want my baby to look like this one. Comel kan? Hehe.. :-)

*kiss* *kiss* *kiss*

Baby borrowed from here :-(

Here I am writing again

For you. Yeah, writing again for you.

I nearly had sex the other day sayang. It didn't feel weird. I just didn't want it. It felt different though, hugging his body, holding his warm face in my palm, kissing his smile. But it was nice. I can be addicted to it. The closeness I mean, not the man. The warmth of a man's naked body I mean, not the man.

You know, come to think of it, I wonder whether I am actually writing for you, to you, to myself, or to the next guy in my life. I am missing something in me, that I know for sure. My other half.

Whether 'you' in here, right now, is the you I had before or the you I'm gonna have later, another guy, only God knows. All I know is I am lonely, and alone. And I feel like writing.

Ah.. gotta transfer the laundry into the dryer. Be back.

I have a good job now. Remember I boasted to you that I could have a good job if I wanted to? *chuckle* I got just that. And I like what I'm doing. I have been writing too, and editing - although I am still not sure whether I am qualified to edit. But the job was entrusted to me, and I took it. What is life without a challenge.

Life has been good actually. I'm not short of money. I can shop. I can travel. I can splurge when I feel like it. I can even lend money to friends - oh, I have been doing that. Since back then, behind your back. You know how you are with money, you would never agree. And you know how I am with friends. So, sorry. I hid it from you. Too late? It doesn't matter anymore.

Other than little things like lending little amount of money to friends, I don't think I hid anything from you. I was an open book. You knew me. I say what I think. I think what I say.

And now, I would like to say this. I think I am in love. No, not with you. With another guy.

It is funny how similar my reaction was the first time I met him to the first time I met you. I called him a snob and a half, in my brain, there and then. I called you "mamat sombong", in my brain, there and then. Haha.. :-)

Yeah, he does remind me a lot of you. He is grumpy, talented and no-nonsense.

But he is also different in many, many ways. One thing for sure, he is smarter than you. Younger, by a year, but still.. He is taller, more good looking, and a damn good lawyer. In a huge way, he is different from you in a sense that he knows what he wants. I need that in a guy.

But that was not why I fell for him. You know me, I am very melodramatic. In love, I let myself to literally fall. I am all heart and feelings.

There was this one night he followed us for a karaoke, after making us promise to not make him sing. Yeah, I forgot to mention, he is very shy. So we sang, song after song, me with my horrendous voice. He sat next to me, eating the fruits, drinking his juice. Laughing away.

I picked a song and he said he loved it. So I shoved the mic to him, and he sang along for a while. Then he did this little thing, realising he was actually singing, he tittered ond pushed my hand, to push away the mic from his mouth. The touch was so soft, it went straight to my heart. Yeah, I fell for him that night, just like that.

We are friends still. I do a lot of work with him nowadays. But I can't tell him what I feel. I'm too shy in this sense. I would jump a thousand jump and I still would not find the guts to tell him. Oh, I did bungee jumping during new year, I didn't tell you that? Twice in fact. That was fun.

Okay, back to this guy. Well, at first I noticed him acting weird around me after that. During parties, in Penang, at dinners. He would be sitting at a table at the other end and he would stare at me. The intense stare. I naturally pretended I didn't notice, silly me.

But that was December last year until around May this year. After that nothing happened. He hasb't been staring. He is not any less friendly or shy either. Sometimes he throws tantrum at me, acts up. As shy as he is, I know he does not do that to simply anybody. He is always in control of his act, his emotion, his everything. But with me, I noticed, sometime he lets go. Sometimes only lah.

But that is enough I guess. With you, I consoled myself with "kalau dah habis jodoh, nak buat macam mana". With him, I console myself with "kalau ada jodoh tak ke mana".

God has a plan for me. And although I hope the man in His plan is this man, I am open to any other man. For He knows best. But I hope the man is not you. Enough with you. i am done with you. Here or hereafter. You are the guy who hurt me, and it will stay that way.

Sleepy. Later.

Saturday, 4 August 2007 - She throws away his toothbrush

She knows she has not been able to accept the reality of the situation just yet. She has made all the plans - to live the rest of her life without him - but none of them is fully executed.

Maybe she is not yet ready, maybe she never will be. Or maybe, just maybe, she is scared that when she has accepted the reality, when she has executed all the plans, she may have no anger left for him. She may stop missing him, she may have no memory left to cherish, she may have nothing to hold on to. She will then have to accept the ugly reality, that she does not have anyone in her heart, that she is alone, and lonely.

When she thinks long and hard about it, she realises that she chooses being angry lest she has to admit to being lonely.

She needs to find a way to sever all her affairs. What she needs to do from what she is doing. What she is doing from what she is thinking. What she is thinking from what she is feeling. What she is feeling from what she remembers. What she remembers from what she knows. What she knows from what she does not know - which are his other lies. Lies that he told her. Lies that he told himself. Lies that, in truth, do not matter anymore.

‘Move on’, the mere two words that sound so urgent and doable to her brain, so familiar to her ears, alas so alien to - and a million light years away from - her heart.

Last night she asked a good friend, “how long do you think I will take before I will be able to have sex again?” Probably a year, her good friend said. A year, which sounds like forever.

Lying in bed last night she pondered on their conversation, and about sex. Even then she felt weird. To smell not his smell. To kiss not his lips. To play with not his hair. To gaze into not his eyes. To smile to not his smile. To seek comfort from not his warmth. To breathe not his breath. It would be even weirder to be touched by not his hands. To hear soft whispers from not his voice. And what more to lie naked next to not his body.

She desperately wants to ‘move on’, whatever that means. He broke her into pieces. She knows she has to collect the pieces and put them back to normal. She surrendered her heart and life to him a long time ago and she never once glanced back. Now she cannot recall how normal looks like anymore. She does not know where to begin.

All his stuffs are still there, where and how he left them. She knows, for a start, she needs to be rid of them. Slowly, she consoles herself. To lead a new life is like being a newborn again. One little move at a time.

In despair, she throws away his toothbrush.

(Crying Lady photo is borrowed from here)

Wednesday, 11 July 2007- I saw you at the workshop yesterday

"The scratch is so bad aaa Freddy?" my friend frowned. "Ya laa...One, two, three, four, all have to knock and spray", Freddy said, still squatting by the car, his professional eyes measuring the defect. The heat from the tarmac in front of the Alfa Romeo showroom was burning my skin. "I'll start work today, come, let's go to the workshop at the back". So we went.

I sat under the shade while Freddy was explaining other things to my friend. I pitied her so much, but hit and run is very rampant in KL. "Shit happens", I thought quietly. I lit a cigarette, puffing away, enjoying the breeze that suddenly came out of nowhere.

I saw you walking the familiar I'm-so-excited walk towards me, wearing the familiar I-belong-here smile on your face. "You okay?", you asked, lighting your Marlboro Reds. "Yup, okay. Does he have the brake pad brand that you want?". "Yeah, he's changing it now, and I told him to work on some other things blah blah blah, the paddle blah blah blah, the throttle blah blah blah...".

I had no idea what you were talking about but I enjoyed the eagerness in your voice. So I listened anyway. I liked the look on your face when you talked about those things. Very serious, like those were the most important things in the world yet you looked very...contented.

I did that a lot didn't I? Followed you to the workshops, from the spotless ones with air-conditioned waiting room to the ones with smelly greasy floor and even to the ones under a big tree. I would have to wait for hours while you asked questions, engrossed in serious discussions with the mechanics, staring and sometimes working on the engines, crawling under the car together with the man you were paying to do it for you.

You would come and check on me from time to time and I would hand you a tissue to wipe the grease from your fingers and sometimes from your face. Sometimes I played with my handphone, sometimes I would read a book, but most of the time I just sat there looking at you from afar, "a little boy and his toy", I always found it amusing. I never complained. The workshops were your turf. I knew it all along. Whatever makes you happy, I always told myself.

"Our ride is here", my friend suddenly appeared in front of me. "What's wrong? What happened?", she was perplexed. "Nothing", I lifted my sunglasses and wiped the tears away. "I hate workshops", I said and we walked to the car. Yesterday, I promised myself never to enter any workshop again for a very long time.

(Photo borrowed from here)

Recovered?

I recovered this blog today.
Have I recovered?

I used google help to get it.
Have I gotten a good help?
Am I helping myself?

I can write on this blog now,
after so long.
What for?
To write about you?
To write you off?

Everything happens for a reason, they say.
Let's just see what is here, inlay.