Here I am writing again

For you. Yeah, writing again for you.

I nearly had sex the other day sayang. It didn't feel weird. I just didn't want it. It felt different though, hugging his body, holding his warm face in my palm, kissing his smile. But it was nice. I can be addicted to it. The closeness I mean, not the man. The warmth of a man's naked body I mean, not the man.

You know, come to think of it, I wonder whether I am actually writing for you, to you, to myself, or to the next guy in my life. I am missing something in me, that I know for sure. My other half.

Whether 'you' in here, right now, is the you I had before or the you I'm gonna have later, another guy, only God knows. All I know is I am lonely, and alone. And I feel like writing.

Ah.. gotta transfer the laundry into the dryer. Be back.

I have a good job now. Remember I boasted to you that I could have a good job if I wanted to? *chuckle* I got just that. And I like what I'm doing. I have been writing too, and editing - although I am still not sure whether I am qualified to edit. But the job was entrusted to me, and I took it. What is life without a challenge.

Life has been good actually. I'm not short of money. I can shop. I can travel. I can splurge when I feel like it. I can even lend money to friends - oh, I have been doing that. Since back then, behind your back. You know how you are with money, you would never agree. And you know how I am with friends. So, sorry. I hid it from you. Too late? It doesn't matter anymore.

Other than little things like lending little amount of money to friends, I don't think I hid anything from you. I was an open book. You knew me. I say what I think. I think what I say.

And now, I would like to say this. I think I am in love. No, not with you. With another guy.

It is funny how similar my reaction was the first time I met him to the first time I met you. I called him a snob and a half, in my brain, there and then. I called you "mamat sombong", in my brain, there and then. Haha.. :-)

Yeah, he does remind me a lot of you. He is grumpy, talented and no-nonsense.

But he is also different in many, many ways. One thing for sure, he is smarter than you. Younger, by a year, but still.. He is taller, more good looking, and a damn good lawyer. In a huge way, he is different from you in a sense that he knows what he wants. I need that in a guy.

But that was not why I fell for him. You know me, I am very melodramatic. In love, I let myself to literally fall. I am all heart and feelings.

There was this one night he followed us for a karaoke, after making us promise to not make him sing. Yeah, I forgot to mention, he is very shy. So we sang, song after song, me with my horrendous voice. He sat next to me, eating the fruits, drinking his juice. Laughing away.

I picked a song and he said he loved it. So I shoved the mic to him, and he sang along for a while. Then he did this little thing, realising he was actually singing, he tittered ond pushed my hand, to push away the mic from his mouth. The touch was so soft, it went straight to my heart. Yeah, I fell for him that night, just like that.

We are friends still. I do a lot of work with him nowadays. But I can't tell him what I feel. I'm too shy in this sense. I would jump a thousand jump and I still would not find the guts to tell him. Oh, I did bungee jumping during new year, I didn't tell you that? Twice in fact. That was fun.

Okay, back to this guy. Well, at first I noticed him acting weird around me after that. During parties, in Penang, at dinners. He would be sitting at a table at the other end and he would stare at me. The intense stare. I naturally pretended I didn't notice, silly me.

But that was December last year until around May this year. After that nothing happened. He hasb't been staring. He is not any less friendly or shy either. Sometimes he throws tantrum at me, acts up. As shy as he is, I know he does not do that to simply anybody. He is always in control of his act, his emotion, his everything. But with me, I noticed, sometime he lets go. Sometimes only lah.

But that is enough I guess. With you, I consoled myself with "kalau dah habis jodoh, nak buat macam mana". With him, I console myself with "kalau ada jodoh tak ke mana".

God has a plan for me. And although I hope the man in His plan is this man, I am open to any other man. For He knows best. But I hope the man is not you. Enough with you. i am done with you. Here or hereafter. You are the guy who hurt me, and it will stay that way.

Sleepy. Later.